i'm not sure what kind of a change, but i know i need something.
i feel like i've been angry more often than not for at least the last year, if not longer. i don't like myself as an angry-all-the-time person. i can deal with being appropriately angry, but not angry because cowboy charming didn't take out the trash (again), or angry at the dogs for being DOGS, or angry at strangers because they are rude because strangers just are rude sometimes. i don't like cursing under my breath at people or things.
i think part of it stems from thinking that i've put a whole lot of work and money and time into getting my master's degree but that rather than moving on to a positing where i'm utilizing those skills, i'll still be stuck in my same job that is no longer fulfilling that doesn't pay enough for the stresses involved. my boss has been holding out something of a carrot to me regarding a promotion, but i found out that it's not a guaranteed carrot. it's a proposal that could be declined, and the fact that we've had some turnover recently and had a DIFFERENT staff member promoted, there is a real possibility that the proposal will be declined but that i'll still be doing the duties of the job without the title or the increase in salary.
i'm timidly looking at other positions. i did go to a job fair this past saturday. it was for the local school district. it was nice to get out and refresh my interview skills. i've been the interviewer for far too long and not the interviewee. i got some good feedback, as well as information that the school district doesn't specifically have openings for guidance counselors right now, that they're requested on a school-specific basis, but i still feel like it was time well spent. i also think i need to look at positions in other districts, even though that would involve quite a commute to and from work.
at the same time, i also want to just pitch everything. i'd love to be able to just quit, have a few more babies and stay home and just be a mom like my heart wants to be. but i know that will not happen without bankruptcy and becoming homeless because we can't live on the $25K a year that cowboy charming makes, even if it is the Midwest. too many bills. we'd have to figure out how to live on take-home pay of about $1000/month. but we'd probably be eligible for foodstamps and subsidized housing! (can you read my sarcasm there? because there is sarcasm there)
and this is where the anger comes in. anger bordering on resentment. after the first year of marriage, i took on a second job to help make ends meet. cowboy charming didn't, because his job is physically straining and he was just so tired. and, part of the ends that needed to be met was some debt i had before we got married, so i felt obliged to take care of it myself.
then it was decided that we'd buy a house. this was about the same time that i decided that i needed to go back to school to finish my undergraduate degree. i didn't feel ready for a house, but didn't know how to say no. so we bought our house. and we've been house poor ever since.
in all that time cowboy charming has never seriously looked for a different (meaning better paying) job. he nearly did and then my grandma died and we got a bit of an inheritance, and we talked about what to do with it. looking back we should have dumped it ALL into paying off the house, but instead we paid off my car (which died about 2 years later), and partially re-did the kitchen, and then had the wee girl because cowboy charming was insistent that he DID NOT want to have his first kid once he hit 45. and i wanted a baby. had wanted one for a while. but i didn't feel ready, then knew we couldn't afford daycare/etc, then worried about cowboy charming's temper, then finally realized that if we didn't try for a baby that i may never have any and we'd just be a couple with no kids and lots of dogs.
he's still not been motivated to find something that could better us financially. he fights finishing the college degree that he was actually excited about when he started and classes were easy. now that they're more challenging, he's avoiding. he avoids looking for another job because he's "only" 3 years away from 20, which would mean he can "retire" from his current job . . . but that doesn't really benefit us very much, except that we'd get the employee discount for life. i don't know that is an equitable trade-off for where we are.
at this point, i'm making about $10K more than he does. we don't really talk about it, because he'll get angry about the fact that he "can't" support the family. but from where i've been sitting it feels like he doesn't really try. i don't know that i could find a job that pays me what we make together, but i feel like if i did that it would also cause more problems between us. i'm pretty convinced that we need counseling because we're supposed to be a team, but i feel like i'm dragging him along or that he's decided that he's going to go in an opposing direction so we're just at a stand-still. maybe this is normal after 13 years of marriage, but it's not something i want to accept.
of course, when i mention counseling he starts focusing on how much it'll cost and how we can't afford it, etc. i usually just stop at that point because i don't want to get into an argument, but i think to myself "our marriage isn't worth investing some money in?"
i'm finding myself afraid of what the change ultimately ends up being . . .
