things i used to do

before i got married (not even before kids, longer ago than that) i used to . . .

write stories
draw
spend half a day reading for the heck of it
exercise regularly
go out with friends (heck, HAVE friends)
go to movies
look forward to the future
be silly
feel contented
be happy

now, i . . .

rarely write, unless it's for work or a class
have many sketchbooks awaiting my pencil. i'm not even sure i could draw anymore if i tried
mostly read things related to work, or for a class
exercise to drop the 60 pounds i have gained over the last 14 years
stay home & have few friends
watch TV at home
dread the future
have to be responsible beyond normal limits
am anxious, serious and on edge
am probably depressed

i'm trying to get back to before. but i'm not sure how.

this is my reality

washing the dishes in a tote in the tub. my sister is not coming for her visit. i am relieved. i don't want to let anyone in my house at all. i want to hide