tipping point

this is a long one.

the day after i emailed my sisters about his verbal abuses, and how he treats our daughter, he got so angry at her that she locked herself in her bedroom. he called to say he was going to "make good" on his threat to break down the door if she ever locked herself in again ... when she's upset or feeling overwhelmed she will try to go to her room to cool down, but he often will interfere with that. I've been there when she's locked herself in before because he's been mad. she'll let me in eventually, but he has always threatened to break down the door or take the door off its hinges, as well as other threats of destroying her property.

it was 4:45 on the 12th. i had missed a phone call from him while in the bathroom at work. there was a voicemail, but i just called him back without listening to it because usually it's just him asking me to call back or whatever.

he sounded so smug on the other end of the phone: "you didn't listen to the voicemail"

then he told me what he'd done. i went cold inside: "that is not okay. i am NOT okay with that"

then i listened to the voicemail. it was basically him yelling at her and her yelling back. i saved it for later. for evidence.

then she called. she sounded terrified. i asked if he had hurt her. she said no, but that she was so scared. i told her i was coming to get her.

i packed up my things & walked out the door at work just before 5:00. i picked up our son. i texted two friends that i might need a place to stay, depending on what happened when i got home. i went to the house. she was in my room, clutching her favorite stuffed animal. he was in the bathroom. i opened the door because he never locks it, and he looked at me like nothing was amiss. i told him i wanted him to leave. he just shrugged and said ok, and left.

i called my mom. she advised i go stay with friends even though he left, because he could come back more angry and make us unsafe. i started packing my car. the neighbors were out in their yard, i told them i'd asked him to leave. they were shocked, but asked what they could do to help.

i got a all from a friend from church. i asked if he was there. she said he had been, but he was gone now. she asked if i was ok, and if i wanted her to come watch the kids while i packed the car. i said yes. later she told me she called because he had told her call & ask me to "not forget to feed the dogs" ... she said she knew i was smart enough to handle that without a reminder, but she knew she could offer help since she knew what i was going through based on her own personal experiences.

i spent the weekend with a friend who has a daughter who is also friends with my daughter. i slept better than i have in i can't remember how long.

he called at 6 am on Saturday morning asking if he could "come home" and i replied he could go to the house, but that we weren't there. he spent the rest of the day texting and asking "permission" to do things like his laundry or watch TV. he had told me he was "sorry for upsetting me" and not "i'm sorry i was a selfish asshole who got so mad that i terrified our child to the point that she locked herself in her room & then felt my anger was so justified that i also tried to break the door in to yell at her more and make her feel even so unsafe. that was wrong. i should get counseling."

i found a number for a local legal aid service on Monday & called. got a screening interview on Tuesday. started filling out temporary protective order paperwork on Wednesday. called the local Child Abuse Hotline on Thursday. talked to child protective services & filed the protective order paperwork on Friday.

Saturday i told him i needed a longer break. that him in the house but sleeping in another room wasn't cutting it. i hadn't told him about the protective order, because i wasn't sure how he would react. they tried to serve him at his parents & his dad called him. he said to his dad "i have NO IDEA what's going on" and got his suitcase and left. i logically don't care that he felt blindsided by my getting legal protections, but my "people pleaser" self felt badly for him.

Sunday i talked to my church's bishop. he claimed that husband expressed that it was a "communication issue" and he'd do counseling, but didn't know how we'd pay for it. bishop offered church funds to help pay for it, if i'm amenable. i filled the bishop in on the issues that i've been dealing with over the last 2 years. his reply was that he has to remain impartial, that forgiveness was for everyone, and that i should think about the eternal nature of my marriage. i let the bishop know that we have a court hearing July 1. i also told him i don't officially have a lawyer -- i don't, since legal aid hasn't officially taken my case as of yet. i stopped short of saying: bishop, i told you he is verbally abusive and has HIT our child without showing any kind of remorse and you really want me to "think about my marriage?" honestly, if my marriage really forever, then i'm fairly sure that God can straighten things out when we all have a little more knowledge in the afterlife.

CPS was supposed to have interviewed him on Monday or Tuesday. he called on Sunday and said he "never" hit her. i said, maybe not on Friday, but you did back in January with that book. he claimed no memory of the incident. which made me enraged.

and now it's Wednesday. he's out of the house with legal penalties until a hearing July 1. my church friend has been taking my daughter during the day. my boss let me change my hours so i can pick my son up from the sitter. evenings are quieter, and run more smoothly. she's not getting yelled at for playing on the iPad. she's more willing to help with small things more quickly. the dogs bark less. i actually FEEL TIRED by 9 pm.

now i just have to work on moving things out. getting some of my irreplaceable material items safe. then figure out what the next steps are. i know i'm going to have to deal with people who want me to be more conflicted and indecisive than i actually feel. yes, i have feelings because we've been together so long. but that doesn't mean i have to KEEP staying with him. yes, a part of me will always love him because that's how feelings work, but i don't think i've been IN LOVE with him for more than 5 years.

i'm done picking through the bad to find tiny slivers of good. my fingers are cut up enough.

personal updates

i emailed my family last night. it took me almost 48 hours to write the email. it took another 12 hours for me to send it.

earlier in the day my youngest sister was texting the sisters thread about getting ready to go to get medical treatment for her depressive episodes. it made me want to not email at all. but i did, and i left her off. her and my younger brother since he's stressed about finding a job & his wife is expecting their #2 baby. they don't need to be worrying about their big sister's situation.

i texted at about midnight. 3 of my sisters responded within an hour. i cried in the dark in my bed next to my daughter (because he is still sleeping in the other room) until about 3 am.

i am exhausted and have a splitting headache that i'm hoping doesn't turn into a migraine. i started reading a backlog of old journals (electronic and paper) and these feelings of despair have been going on for well over 6 years. indications of his verbal abuse go back further. i may be depressed, but it may also be that i've needed to leave for MUCH longer than i want to admit to myself.

two of my sisters said i can come stay with them. they both live in places where i could see myself doing well if i used them as a temporary landing pad. one sister mentioned there is a school within walking distance of her house and that she'd babysit the smol boy for me until i got on my feet.

now that i have been brave enough to tell family,  i need to get brave enough to go for legal advice. i need to actually pay for a storage unit. move important things into it. get all my vital documents in a quick grab-and-go envelope.

mom asked if i'd talked to my pastor. not yet. and i may never. everyone at church thinks spouse is such a good guy.

if they only knew. if i can manage it, i'll just disappear and they can make their own conclusions.