hurry up and wait

Court date yesterday was also weird. I met my attorney for the first time in person. He wasn't there-- i guess he didn't have to be? Honestly it was nice to not have to see him in person because my anxiety was super high. His lawyer joined via Zoom & said he didn't understand the reasoning behind the request for supervised visitation with the kids, as per the recommendation of the Guardian Ad Litem. The Guardian Ad Litem wasn't there, but had sent a colleague who said they just had the notes & not the rationale. So, the judge continued another 2 weeks. My attorney brought up the subject of monetary support for the kids, and she asked if a divorce had been filed. When the answer was "not yet", she said "so get the paperwork filed, and you can request retroactive support"... well okee dokey then. Good thing I have a job that keeps most of the bills paid, and family and friends who are willing to help out when things get hairy.

My mom let me know that his mom wrote her a letter expressing her concern about me and that she feels that I'm hormonally imbalanced. His mom is a retired nurse who never got her RN because she didn't want to have the extra responsibility & worked in a tiny county hospital her entire career and did no psychological nursing care. She has ZERO qualifications to be trying to armchair diagnose me.

It's not peri menopause, it's not postpartum. It's that I hit my limit of bullshit and I'm not willing to gaslight myself to give him a pass on being a jerk. Just because she chose to be married to a man who acted worse than her son for YEARS and only cooled down in his early 60s doesn't mean I have to do the same. Just because our church still has a stigma toward divorce because we believe marriage is forever, doesn't mean I am obligated to endure abuse and subject my children to abuse with the *hope* that he'll mend his ways in the future.

I go back to my post from 5 years ago & it confirms this is not new. This is a pattern of behavior that has gotten more pervasive and damaging in the last 2 years. THIS IS NOT IN MY HEAD.

pondering and planning

my hearing date came and went like a blur almost. my spouse showed up with a lawyer, which i didn't expect but also didn't surprise me. the lawyer asked for a 3 week extension of the ex parte, which i didn't dispute. i figure, if he wants to put himself in time out for 3 more weeks that's fine with me. it's not like i'm going to feel badly for him or beg for him to come back. 

so i have another hearing on the 22nd. i also now have legal representation through a legal aid group in town, so i'm not being charged, but could be on the hook for court costs or other fees if i get a monetary settlement. since the only shared property is our house, and it's not paid off & i'm still living in it i'm not sure that i'll end up having to pay back lawyers, but if so then whatever. 

he was supposed to get paid on the 3rd. well, he did, but it didn't go into our joint account. between my kicking him out & his payday he got his paycheck redirected elsewhere. of course, his lawyer told him he can't talk to me directly, so when i texted him asking what the deal was with his pay because we still had babysitting to pay for and other things he had our church bishop call me & then gave money to a friend to give to me (even though he could have just deposited it into our joint account himself with the debit card he has). 

so, i'm redirecting my paycheck. because since he does have access to our joint account & i can't trust what he's going to do next, i don't want my pay to go *poof* before i can pay bills. i checked with my other bank & it turns out that when i opened that account that it's also joint and i can't take him off without his consent. so that's annoying, but i also know that he doesn't have a debit card for that account, and he's very unlikely to walk-in to withdraw funds. 

so that means i'll be opening a THIRD bank account in just my name so i can ferret away funds that he can't get his fingers on. 

i got myself a PO box this past week. next i'm putting together a plan to get personal items out of my house and into a storage unit. i will protect the physical things important to me a few boxes at a time. 

i've been thinking a lot about future plans. i want to move west to be closer to family, but i also know that it depends on how hard he fights me for custody/visitation with the kids. it really would be so much easier if he'd just die. then i'd be done with him, and could just send my daughter to therapy to talk about how much she misses her deceased father, rather than to therapy to work through the fact that it's NOT HER FAULT that her dad is a jackass and treated her like crap. and also to complain that her mom divorced her dad and in her 9 year old brain a divorce is like the absolute worst thing ever. 

also, can i mention that health insurance blows? our family insurance covers counseling with a standard copay, right... except my daughter's therapist told me yesterday that i had a $140 bill with them from services rendered last year because of bits my insurance didn't pay. but then again, at least i'm not paying $100/hr out of pocket. *sigh*

i'm also looking for other jobs. local jobs with 8-5 hours (right now i'm 9:30-6:30) so that i can more easily pick kids up from sitters without having to rely on the husband. right now my current boss is letting me work 8-5 but i'm not sure how long i can rely on their generosity since once students are on campus again, they'll want me working the later shift to be "available" to help students & instructors in evening courses. they never need me, but whatever. 

other jobs are near family members in other states: colorado, utah, washington, north-central california. i could look in arizona, but it's too damn hot in the summer. haha. i figure if i get some solid leads or an offer then i can argue to the court to allow me to relocate with my kids because i'll have better income, a better support network, etc. 

also, it was my birthday this week. i'm 42 now. 42 is the ultimate answer to the ultimate question of life the universe and everything. i feel like it's a sign. i also had a strong compulsion to get a tattoo of the number. this is a big deal because i am NOT a tattoo person. i like them on other people, but i've never imagined them on myself and i'm a SUPER big baby when it comes to pain, and i'm not sure i've run into anything that's important enough to me to endure the discomfort of tattooing something on my skin. 

but the idea is in my brain, and it's kinda hanging out. i'm not sure if any of the local tattoo parlours are even open, and i'd have to find a friend with ink i like to give me a recommendation, and i'd have to get a babysitter to go, and ... well, it's an idea. maybe not for right now, but maybe for later. 

i'm still sleeping amazingly well. except for my dogs. they're turning into the most annoying early morning alarms ever. husband used to get up at 5:30 every morning & let them out. for the first few weeks they'd start borking at about 5:20. for the last week it's been 5:00. yesterday: 4 am. this morning: 3 am. assholes. 

tonight i'm going to make them all go out one extra time in the evening to see if that'll make their morning borking come later. i haven't changed the evening schedule from what it was before husband was kicked out, so it doesn't compute to me that they want out earlier. i KNOW they can hold it longer than 6 hours, because they never get let out during the workday, but boy they're getting irritating in the mornings. it's mostly the big dogs which are actually HIS (with long stories about how they were acquired even though i didn't want them, and he just ignored me), the little dog just joins in since the others start it. 

well, now i've stolen enough of my employer's time. now to pay attention to my job and the rest of my day...