it's been years since i blogged, but i figured it was time to return to it. i've been keeping a handwritten journal on an off for a while, but need a more mobile way to record my thoughts. thoughts that don't fit on twitter, which i've used recently mostly to document specific incidents.
the last entry was a sad one. it still hurts. a year to the day that my niece was found drowned, her twin sister was in a car accident that took her life.
i've lost an infant niece to stillbirth.
i had a baby boy in 2018, so the wee girl now has a smol boy to shower with love.
the troubles with cowboy that were bothersome 5 years ago are much much worse now. they were worse 2 years ago before the smol boy was born, and have not gotten better since. and now that i've been working from home for the last month and a half due to COVID-19, things have really come to a head for me.
cowboy has been refusing counseling of any kind for many, many years. he feels justified in his awful behaviors, and it's more than just being a bit of a jerk occasionally. now it's him flashing to rage on a nearly weekly basis, and almost daily directly belittling or indirectly insulting our 9 year old daughter for behavior that is normal to 9 year olds.
i finally told my mom how bad it's been. she was supportive. immediately called it out as emotional abuse. did not make excuses for his behavior.
i need to get a financial cushion before i can take steps to leave. and i think that is my next option. because family counseling won't work when he insists he's doing nothing wrong and our daughter "needs fixed" before he'd even come.
she's not broken. she's a child.
and now i plan. not sure how long it'll take, but hopefully i can get some savings and be gone within a year. no idea where i'll go or how i'll get there, but i can't stay here with my children.
i have to take a stand.
