i need to do this more

lots of things since the last post. things are more even-keel and also more volcanic all at the same time. 

the new boss has brought some stability to work, in spite of changes that have many of the staff kind of freaked out. she is a doer. and by that i mean that she actually accomplishes things, she isn't just coming up with ideas that need to be approved by others before we can get permission to maybe, hopefully proceed. this is in part because she and our new division chief had a good working relationship before they took over in my area, so she sees what needs done and does it. 

three staff have left for other departments within the institution of higher education. three replacements have been hired. they all start in December. they are all men. i am very happy about this since it puts us into a better male/female ratio in the office. 

processes are being improved; even (or especially?) processes that belong to other departments but significantly impact our ability to do our jobs. 

she is looking into scheduling software that might make my world easier when it comes to putting together our weekly schedules

we all got upgraded wireless headsets.

and she pushed through a proposal to get raises for the whole office. this resulted in our new division chief buying us pizza to tell us we'd all be given 10% raises, effective immediately. which means we'll see that raise on our next paycheck. and, the raise does not negate the possibility of merit raises in june. even the new hires will get paid more when they start. 

and now, to give you a peek at my current paygrade, that is an increase of about $4000 a year for me. $300 bucks a month, before taxes and whatnot. 

i feel validated and appreciated. 

i am also taking a creative non-fiction writing class. i love it. i wish i could be in it every night. because if i could be in it every night, i could then hide from the disaster that is home. 

yup. things are okay at work and sucky at home. i guess it can't be good all over. 

the house is in shambles. a physical representation of the depression that looms over me. i can keep it together for work. i have to. it's my job that pays most of the bills. 

i mostly get laundry done. mostly as in: it gets washed and sometimes the wee girl's clothes get put away. mine and cowboy charming's sits in baskets. it's gotten to the point where sometimes i've forgotten which baskets are clean and which are dirty, so it's very possible i wash clean clothes instead of putting them away.

dishes get done maybe twice a week, which means the wee child alerts me when there are no spoons. and don't even ask me about sweeping/mopping/vacuuming. 

i took a long weekend last week (friday-tuesday off) to try to get things done. but then it turned out that cowboy charming also took the week off. and instead of going hunting like he was supposed to have done, he loafed around the house. which demotivated me even more. i did get the bathroom mostly clean on tuesday. other than that: nothing. 

i think he's depressed too. depressed because i make more money than him, but not motivated to try to get another job. depressed because there are things to do around the house, but then he comes home from work at 4 and sleeps until i call him at 5:30 when i'm on my way home from work. depressed because he sees my depression and sadness at my perceived inability to be a good wife/mother/human being because i beat myself up about the state of the house, but also unable/unwilling to load the dishwasher himself, or even take the trash out. 

i think two depressed parents are a Very Bad Thing for a sparkling new child. and she sees it. she told me last night that she was sorry that i got so sad when daddy gets upset. 

the guilt is paralyzing. 

a thankful moment

we've been behind on the bills. like, a lot. like, a lot a lot. like, so behind the remainder of the wee girl's hospital bill from her tubes surgery last year (a little over $300) got sent to a collection agency. so behind that i've had to talk to my credit card company about a workout plan on the balance we've been carrying for a while. cowboy charming knows we're a little behind. he has no idea that we're a lot behind. he gets depressed if he thinks about money because of husband-should-be-the-provider guilt. so he asks if things are paid, i fudge it; he asks if there is money for vet bills, etc, i make sure there is by pushing something back a week or two.

i asked my mom for a small loan. this was VERY difficult for me, since any time we're behind on the bills i have a huge sense of guilt, like i've done something sinful. we try to save, but every time we get a little savings ahead, things break. big things. the last big thing: the water main.

the next big thing will be the cars. cowboy charming's truck is up for safety inspection and license renewal. it failed safety inspection because of a missing part of the exhaust and a non-working horn. that's going to cost at least $100 to fix. licensing on his truck is $70 for one year. my car has had the "check engine" light on for months. last time we had the codes checked we were told it was the catalytic converter and would cost at least $1600 to fix.

when i asked my mom for the loan, like maybe $2000 (she'd offered when she was visiting during my graduation weekend to loan us $20,000 to put toward the outstanding principle on the house. we weren't comfortable in the possibility of defaulting to her on a loan that big). she told me to write up a request and promissory note. i haven't done it yet because of the guilt.

anyhow, i've been praying for a miracle.my mom usually sends me something for my birthday, so i was kind of hoping she'd just send what i'd asked for without me having to ask again. well, she didn't.

instead, got a bonus from work. this NEVER happens. NEVER. but apparently our 13-14 fiscal year budget had a surplus and the new president of the institute of higher education went to the board of trustees and asked for the surplus to be given as a bonus to long time employees instead of being distributed over the whole year. the board agreed. i got an $800 bonus, which less the withholdings was about $650.

i cried. body-wracking weeping. cowboy charming wasn't home, and the wee girl came to see why i was sad. i explained i was crying because i was happy.

then my mom called and said she'd mailed me a token for my birthday. with her you never know what that means. it turned out to be $350. between the bonus and her check i was able to get square again on our car payment (which was on the verge of being repo'd).

this week i'll be paying last month's mortgage, and then this month's on the first of august . . .

the next miracle i need is to be brave enough to write that promissory note, and for my mom to agree. it would help us get square again, and we could pay her back when we get our tax return in april.

but i'm still so grateful to be less behind. those two checks were a miracle.

coming up for air

the SADs hit me hard this winter. winter was long and cold and mentally taxing. i graduated in december. i now can put MEd after my name. which should be awesome. i walked in commencement exercises in may. my mom, S#1, B#3 & SiL#3 all came. this was awesome.

however, i've mostly been in a funk. honestly, probably a significant depressive episode. i can't sleep, and when i do sleep i want to sleep forever. i called in with migraines (some real, some as code for "i can't get out of bed and face the world today), i called in with "sick kid", i'd not shower for entire weekends. i should probably find a mental health care provider. which would probably require a referral from my primary care physician. who is going into uber-private practice. which means i'm on the hunt for a new primary care physician. and a dentist (the old one no longer accepts our insurance). the thought of screening doctors makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.

i've avoided church just about every other week for months. sometimes every week. this is a big deal for me. i know that there are some of the ladies there who do have BIG issues that they are dealing with, but overall they are all seemingly well put-together, happy, stable, stay-at-home-moms who i have a very hard time connecting with. and teaching sunday school to their 4-turning-5-year-olds is something i can't face every week. i can't face all the people who seem so freaking happy with their lives.

i have horrendous guilt. every time i start thinking about looking for another job i have terrible anxiety. but i know i need to do it for real. yes, it'll take time out of my few hours at home each evening trying to catch up with all the things i don't do (GUILT!) on the weekends, but i need to. also, the anxiety of asking for letters of recommendation is CRUSHING. most of the jobs i'd be applying for require them. the people who know me well enough to write one i work with, and don't really want to know that i'm looking. ugh.

i got my annual review. got "promoted". in title only. i'm now assistant director. got the 2.3% raise i would have gotten anyway without the title. was told by the bosslady that she *really* fought for me to get a bigger raise, but there was only so much in the merit pool, and enrollments are down, and i've already been here SO LONG that i make SO MUCH MORE than everyone else already . . . yadda yadda.

found out a few weeks after the review the boss lady's hubby got headhunted by a college in texas, so she's putting in her notice. she's known, basically, since october that this was going to happen, but it just wasn't finalized until a week or so ago. makes me wonder how much she really fought for me to get a raise to go with my title.

sure, the title will look good on a resume, but it's not putting any extra pay in my pocket to pay my bills.

got tattled on for being "tardy" to work by a coworker. pretty sure i know who. the tardy mornings were ones where i was doing the office a favor by coming in earlier than normal anyhow.

but, gotta "step it up", gotta put on a show, gotta muscle through and prove that i "deserve" the promotion i passed up 5 years ago and was overlooked for one year ago and that isn't going to do me any immediate good this year. because i'll be expected  to work more and harder for the same pay. hooray.

lordy, i'm an ungrateful complainey baby.

i pray every day for the strength to be able to seem happy where i am, because it's starting to feel unbearable.

i'm starting to wish i were invisible. or that i could just abandon everything and start over.

but i can't abandon everything. there's too much at stake.

time for a change

i'm not sure what kind of a change, but i know i need something.

i feel like i've been angry more often than not for at least the last year, if not longer. i don't like myself as an angry-all-the-time person. i can deal with being appropriately angry, but not angry because cowboy charming didn't take out the trash (again), or angry at the dogs for being DOGS, or angry at strangers because they are rude because strangers just are rude sometimes. i don't like cursing under my breath at people or things.

i think part of it stems from thinking that i've put a whole lot of work and money and time into getting my master's degree but that rather than moving on to a positing where i'm utilizing those skills, i'll still be stuck in my same job that is no longer fulfilling that doesn't pay enough for the stresses involved.  my boss has been holding out something of a carrot to me regarding a promotion, but i found out that it's not a guaranteed carrot. it's a proposal that could be declined, and the fact that we've had some turnover recently and had a DIFFERENT staff member promoted, there is a real possibility that the proposal will be declined but that i'll still be doing the duties of the job without the title or the increase in salary.

i'm timidly looking at other positions. i did go to a job fair this past saturday. it was for the local school district. it was nice to get out and refresh my interview skills. i've been the interviewer for far too long and not the interviewee. i got some good feedback, as well as information that the school district doesn't specifically have openings for guidance counselors right now, that they're requested on a school-specific basis, but i still feel like it was time well spent. i also think i need to look at positions in other districts, even though that would involve quite a commute to and from work.

at the same time, i also want to just pitch everything. i'd love to be able to just quit, have a few more babies and stay home and just be a mom like my heart wants to be. but i know that will not happen without bankruptcy and becoming homeless because we can't live on the $25K a year that cowboy charming makes, even if it is the Midwest. too many bills. we'd have to figure out how to live on take-home pay of about $1000/month. but we'd probably be eligible for foodstamps and subsidized housing! (can you read my sarcasm there? because there is sarcasm there)

and this is where the anger comes in. anger bordering on resentment. after the first year of marriage, i took on a second job to help make ends meet. cowboy charming didn't, because his job is physically straining and he was just so tired. and, part of the ends that needed to be met was some debt i had before we got married, so i felt obliged to take care of it myself.

then it was decided that we'd buy a house. this was about the same time that i decided that i needed to go back to school to finish my undergraduate degree. i didn't feel ready for a house, but didn't know how to say no. so we bought our house. and we've been house poor ever since.

in all that time cowboy charming has never seriously looked for a different (meaning better paying) job. he nearly did and then my grandma died and we got a bit of an inheritance, and we talked about what to do with it. looking back we should have dumped it ALL into paying off the house, but instead we paid off my car (which died about 2 years later), and partially re-did the kitchen, and then had the wee girl because cowboy charming was insistent that he DID NOT want to have his first kid once he hit 45. and i wanted a baby. had wanted one for a while. but i didn't feel ready, then knew we couldn't afford daycare/etc, then worried about cowboy charming's temper, then finally realized that if we didn't try for a baby that i may never have any and we'd just be a couple with no kids and lots of dogs.

he's still not been motivated to find something that could better us financially. he fights finishing the college degree that he was actually excited about when he started and classes were easy. now that they're more challenging, he's avoiding. he avoids looking for another job because he's "only" 3 years away from 20, which would mean he can "retire" from his current job . . . but that doesn't really benefit us very much, except that we'd get the employee discount for life. i don't know that is an equitable trade-off for where we are.

at this point, i'm making about $10K more than he does. we don't really talk about it, because he'll get angry about the fact that he "can't" support the family. but from where i've been sitting it feels like he doesn't really try. i don't know that i could find a job that pays me what we make together, but i feel like if i did that it would also cause more problems between us. i'm pretty convinced that we need counseling because we're supposed to be a team, but i feel like i'm dragging him along or that he's decided that he's going to go in an opposing direction so we're just at a stand-still. maybe this is normal after 13 years of marriage, but it's not something i want to accept.

of course, when i mention counseling he starts focusing on how much it'll cost and how we can't afford it, etc. i usually just stop at that point because i don't want to get into an argument, but i think to myself "our marriage isn't worth investing some money in?"

i'm finding myself afraid of what the change ultimately ends up being . . .

righteous anger

my phone crapped out on me last Tuesday. just *bloop!* and it wouldn't turn on. since plugging it in to charge didn't turn on the charge light and just resulted in making my phone hot, i deduced that there was an issue with the battery.

since i didn't realize this until after my lunch hour at work, i decided to stop by the local cell provider's store on my way home after picking the wee girl up from daycare because there was one right on the way. of course, as fate would have it, the store that WAS right on my way home was no longer. they were in the process of moving to a new, inconvenient-to-me, location.

so i went home. i fed the wee girl, fed the dogs and emailed cowboy charming to let him know not to bother calling me before he headed home from class because my phone was still not working. i recently set up gmail on his new smartphone so i wasn't sure that he'd notice, but figured it was worth a shot.

it worked, he noticed the email. he came home prepared to watch the wee girl while i headed to the only cell provider's store still open at 8:00.

i walked in the store, was greeted, explained my situation, and was promptly told that all the techs go home at 7:00 and i could come back tomorrow.

apparently since i wasn't going to be BUYING anything i was not important.

i went back the following day on my lunch. the tech tested my battery. yup, it was bad. nope, they don't carry that battery because my phone is SO old and "not many people have it anymore" (read: more than 1 year old and not an iPhone). i had already been to every non-cell provider battery place in town to try to get a new battery and had been told that they didn't have them but could get one in 3-4 days.

the tech apparently took pity (or something like it) on me and opened a little box that was filled with cell phone batteries. he found one for my model phone & gave it to me admonishing that it likely had no charge, but have at it. after it sitting in my office charging to no effect for over an hour and getting BLAZING hot, i realized that what i had was probably not a battery problem.

after work: again cowboy charming watched the wee girl and again i went to the cell provider's store. the battery was tested by the tech again. again the diagnosis was: bad battery. again the response was "can you upgrade?" (not eligible until March, no ready cash to just BUY a phone) and "sorry i can't do anything to help you". i asked if there was a way to determine if the issue was with my phone itself, and not "just" a battery issue. the tech responded that without being able to turn the power on, there was no way he could diagnose an issue with the phone itself.

i ordered a battery off amazon that night with expedited shipping.

the battery FINALLY came in yesterday. again i charged my phone. again it turned hot. again, off to the cell provider's store i went. by this point i am BLAZING mad. and then even though it appears that there are customer service reps available, i am made to wait.

i get to a tech. by this time i am so irritated i can't speak without crying. this is my failing point in the angry department: i have NEVER figured out how to get mad without crying. so people interpret my angry as sad, or pitiful or just plain crazy person.

the tech tests the new battery, it's good. i explain the issue with the phone getting hot. the tech pulls the battery out & scans the back (the first tech did not do this) and then looks at his computer. he says "sounds like you have a short in your board. there's nothing we can do to fix your phone if you have a short in your board" (um, how did you MAGICALLY diagnose this where the guy a week ago told me he couldn't do anything??!)

he again advises me that i'm eligible for an upgrade in March. yes, douchebag, i am AWARE of that. it comes out as "i realize that, but i've already been without my phone for a week, it's my PRIMARY phone and can't be without a phone for another 6 weeks." i'd like to say that i said this with an even, rational, threatening tone, but in reality i was sobbing with anger.

his reply: "well, you only need something to limp you along until March, do you have any friends who have an old phone through us that they could give you?" no dude, i don't. "have you thought about checking eBay or Craiglist to see what you could find there?" dude, i don't have the TIME to search for a phone compatible for your service and then wait ANOTHER week for it to be delivered by a faceless person on eBay or HOPE that the Craiglist ad was valid. this came out as more weepy sobbing information. he went into the back and found an "equitable replacement".

apparently since he interpreted my anger as sadness, he didn't even offer to try to make good. i don't have an iPhone, i didn't pay for the extended service plan, i'm not making the right kind of scene, apparently. i paid for the replacement.

i lied to cowboy charming when he asked about that part.

i have a working phone. i'm less emotionally angry now. i know i'll be getting a customer satisfaction survey from the cell provider soon. i'm not satisfied. i've been with them for a LONG time. even without an extended service plan or an iPhone i shouldn't be treated like crap. i deserve a FREE replacement phone or an expedited upgrade.

if after talking to corporate, things aren't made good (i get a proration of my bill for being without a phone for a full week, i get my  $$ back for the replacement i purchased, i get a FANCY new phone for FREE), well, my contract is up when i'm eligible for upgrade. cowboy charming and i just may be on separate cell phone plans for a while.

i still need to figure out how to express anger without crying. anyone know how to do that? is there a class i can take? i feel like i'm a pushover when i should be a lion.

new beginings

this is not my first blog. or even my second. i've been away for a bit. taking a bit of a forced hiatus due to one of my prior platforms having changed to the point where i'm basically locked out and i'm not the kind of person who pays for the privilege of writing down thoughts that generally i'm the only one reading.

this is a voice that i need an outlet for so that the face that my acquaintances and (especially!) family can continue to see the me that they have been accustomed to see and interact with. the me that they are comfortable with. the me that does not make them question their place in the world because i am where i am "supposed" to be.

and now, since it is nigh to the time that cowboy charming should be returning home from class & the wee girl's bedtime, i'm going to wrap up.

i just had to get (re)started somewhere.