the SADs hit me hard this winter. winter was long and cold and mentally taxing. i graduated in december. i now can put MEd after my name. which should be awesome. i walked in commencement exercises in may. my mom, S#1, B#3 & SiL#3 all came. this was awesome.
however, i've mostly been in a funk. honestly, probably a significant depressive episode. i can't sleep, and when i do sleep i want to sleep forever. i called in with migraines (some real, some as code for "i can't get out of bed and face the world today), i called in with "sick kid", i'd not shower for entire weekends. i should probably find a mental health care provider. which would probably require a referral from my primary care physician. who is going into uber-private practice. which means i'm on the hunt for a new primary care physician. and a dentist (the old one no longer accepts our insurance). the thought of screening doctors makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.
i've avoided church just about every other week for months. sometimes every week. this is a big deal for me. i know that there are some of the ladies there who do have BIG issues that they are dealing with, but overall they are all seemingly well put-together, happy, stable, stay-at-home-moms who i have a very hard time connecting with. and teaching sunday school to their 4-turning-5-year-olds is something i can't face every week. i can't face all the people who seem so freaking happy with their lives.
i have horrendous guilt. every time i start thinking about looking for another job i have terrible anxiety. but i know i need to do it for real. yes, it'll take time out of my few hours at home each evening trying to catch up with all the things i don't do (GUILT!) on the weekends, but i need to. also, the anxiety of asking for letters of recommendation is CRUSHING. most of the jobs i'd be applying for require them. the people who know me well enough to write one i work with, and don't really want to know that i'm looking. ugh.
i got my annual review. got "promoted". in title only. i'm now assistant director. got the 2.3% raise i would have gotten anyway without the title. was told by the bosslady that she *really* fought for me to get a bigger raise, but there was only so much in the merit pool, and enrollments are down, and i've already been here SO LONG that i make SO MUCH MORE than everyone else already . . . yadda yadda.
found out a few weeks after the review the boss lady's hubby got headhunted by a college in texas, so she's putting in her notice. she's known, basically, since october that this was going to happen, but it just wasn't finalized until a week or so ago. makes me wonder how much she really fought for me to get a raise to go with my title.
sure, the title will look good on a resume, but it's not putting any extra pay in my pocket to pay my bills.
got tattled on for being "tardy" to work by a coworker. pretty sure i know who. the tardy mornings were ones where i was doing the office a favor by coming in earlier than normal anyhow.
but, gotta "step it up", gotta put on a show, gotta muscle through and prove that i "deserve" the promotion i passed up 5 years ago and was overlooked for one year ago and that isn't going to do me any immediate good this year. because i'll be expected to work more and harder for the same pay. hooray.
lordy, i'm an ungrateful complainey baby.
i pray every day for the strength to be able to seem happy where i am, because it's starting to feel unbearable.
i'm starting to wish i were invisible. or that i could just abandon everything and start over.
but i can't abandon everything. there's too much at stake.
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