August 5 was my last hearing. The Guardian ad Litem explained why she wanted supervised visits, his lawyer conceded. It was agreed that the protective orders would stay in place in the meantime, allowing for supervised visits between my daughter and her dad, and would be revisited in late October.
I got my paperwork for visits filed within 48 hours. When I turned in my stuff the court clerk asked if he had filed his. I said I had no way of knowing, so she checked. He hadn't. Visits can't happen without his filing the paperwork because they're at his expense.
A few weeks later he had a friend text asking if the friend could get some personal belongings and his motorcycle from the house for him. I knew he was having car trouble because our church Bishop had told me and I'd seen his car at the house of the friend who watches our daughter (they're mutual friends, but staying neutral & making sure he's not there when she is), because the husband is good with mechanical things & was fixing something on it.
So, the spouse's friend got a box of clothes, a small finger-print-enabled safe (just his fingerprints, of course!), and the motorcycle. I was pretty sure the safe had not only the title for the motorcycle but also at least one handgun. I mentioned this to the go-between & that while I wasn't afraid he'd use it on me, I was concerned about him since he said he had considered suicide after a breakup before we ever met.
I figure if he's going to tell people he thinks I've gone crazy, then it's fair game for me to do the same.
I saw a FB post on spouse's page almost immediately indicating he wanted to sell the motorcycle. Cool, I didn't care about it anyway, and I know he has lawyer bills to pay also.
Then I heard that shortly after whatever was originally not working on his car was fixed that it slipped the timing belt. That's a big money fix. I also needed to get the extra car seat out of his car because my hours at work had to change for a week due to expected foot traffic. So I checked in with our Bishop, who told me where the car was in the shop, and then I got the seat & bailed.
My car, in the meantime, has had its wipers go kaput (which my friend was able to do a semi-repair on, as long as I don't put them on the "high" setting), and the in-cabin fan isn't turning on which means the AC (which works) isn't getting blown around inside the car and that sucks because it's summer and it's HOT. But the windows work & the kids don't complain too much on the drive home from the sitters.
One of my sisters looked over my budget, which was a harrowing experience because I have some very deep-seated SHAME at the fact that I can't make my bills, as if it's a moral issue on my part which I logically know it's not but feelings are feelings ... so now she's going to go to the rest of the family to see how they can help out regularly so I don't go into arrears on my important bills (mortgage, utilities, daycare) and can still feed the kids.
I've applied for 3 jobs that have starting pay higher than what I'm making now. I'm not holding my breath since I am having a hard time feeling like I look good on paper and feel like the HR screeners will somehow be able to smell how desperate I am through my resume & cover letter. Somehow even being a perpetual optimist about most things, when it comes to myself I think nothing good can or will happen.
Last week I got a text from spouse's go-between again asking to pick up spouse's hunting guns, because season is right around the corner. At least that's what the go-between said he was told. I have a feeling that a number of those firearms are getting pawned for cash. I got a number of them together and sitting in the livingroom before leaving for work that day, and was still surprised by the number of firearms that left my house: 4 handguns and I'm pretty sure 10-12 long guns. The go-betweens were pretty shocked as well when I kept pulling guns out of the closet that didn't fit in our gun safe (the safe is set up to take 6 long guns). Spouse had apparently told them he wanted the gun safe too, but there was no way they were moving it without a full size dolley and at least 2-3 other guys, so they said they'd confirm that he really did want the safe also.
Of course, I feel like a jackass for letting well over $5000 in firearms leave the house. But at the same time, I don't want them. I want the kids and I want the house, and I want to be DONE with him.
I also want him to take his dogs, but I know that's not going to happen with where he is. And I don't want the dogs getting short shrift because I made him take them. Even though they do make me INSANE with their barking every hour on the hour from the time I get home till bed. It's beyond irritating, and my daughter hates it and my son barks back.
Now I've got to work out a plan for school, because OF COURSE people in my area are buttheads and not doing what they need to do in order to slow the spread of COVID, so the daily new case count has been bordering on the range that the school district had determined (with the help of the local health department) to indicate the need to do hybrid or full online school delivery.
I can't supervise my daughter while she does online school, because I have to be *at* work, so I can show crusty faculty what buttons to push to get Zoom to work, and read instructions to teenagers that they decided weren't important until they couldn't figure out how to get into their online book, but still wouldn't go back and READ THE DIRECTIONS.
My friends who have been watching my daughter can't keep watching her through the school year. They do gig work and work from home and one is also in college, and they have their own kids to deal with school issues for. This would have been a hurdle regardless of whether all this other mess was going on or not, and I'm glad I don't have him raging around the house about "fairness" and other stupid crap that doesn't apply or help while I work things out. I'm just in the headspace where my little voice tells me that I'm using up all my social capital too fast and pretty soon everyone's going to drop me like a bad habit and I really will be all alone.
And the fact that I've got so many balls in the air is eating up my available brain space so I feel extra stupid and vulnerable. Even making a list hasn't helped because my brain keeps thinking that I've forgotten to put something on the list.
I keep telling myself it'll be okay later, I just have to get through today, another week, another month.
I don't think that anything in my life has made me feel as alone as this situation is doing.
