i emailed my family last night. it took me almost 48 hours to write the email. it took another 12 hours for me to send it.
earlier in the day my youngest sister was texting the sisters thread about getting ready to go to get medical treatment for her depressive episodes. it made me want to not email at all. but i did, and i left her off. her and my younger brother since he's stressed about finding a job & his wife is expecting their #2 baby. they don't need to be worrying about their big sister's situation.
i texted at about midnight. 3 of my sisters responded within an hour. i cried in the dark in my bed next to my daughter (because he is still sleeping in the other room) until about 3 am.
i am exhausted and have a splitting headache that i'm hoping doesn't turn into a migraine. i started reading a backlog of old journals (electronic and paper) and these feelings of despair have been going on for well over 6 years. indications of his verbal abuse go back further. i may be depressed, but it may also be that i've needed to leave for MUCH longer than i want to admit to myself.
two of my sisters said i can come stay with them. they both live in places where i could see myself doing well if i used them as a temporary landing pad. one sister mentioned there is a school within walking distance of her house and that she'd babysit the smol boy for me until i got on my feet.
now that i have been brave enough to tell family, i need to get brave enough to go for legal advice. i need to actually pay for a storage unit. move important things into it. get all my vital documents in a quick grab-and-go envelope.
mom asked if i'd talked to my pastor. not yet. and i may never. everyone at church thinks spouse is such a good guy.
if they only knew. if i can manage it, i'll just disappear and they can make their own conclusions.
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