what do you do when you kind of feel like you don't really like your spouse anymore? like, you know that you were good with them when you got together but over the years you feel like somehow they've turned into somebody different, when really it's probably you changing more?
i don't know if i LIKE cowboy charming much anymore. or maybe it's just right now. with all the unrest in the country i feel like i'm seeing a side of him that i've never seen, and it's a judgemental, close-minded, knee-jerky-conservative, pretty much racist side of him. and i don't know how to talk to him when he starts. because if i try to have a logical reasoned discussion he gets mad that i don't agree with him 100% and then it turns into a fight and, you know, fights suck.
and in the midst of all this "i'm not sure if i really like you anymore" feelings, i am also wondering if i even love him anymore. and then i'm second-guessing if i ever loved him or if it was just me loving the idea of not being alone. and then i think about the ramifications of leaving him and they boggle my mind since they don't involve just me. they also involve the wee girl. and he is the daddy that she loves more than the moon. but there are times that i know he terrifies her. and times that he terrifies me. his anger terrifies and baffles me.
but maybe that's because i never really saw anger growing up. maybe my family was amazingly sedate when it came to feelings of anger. maybe what i'm seeing is normal but i don't know it's normal because i don't come from a normal family of origin.
but then what if it's not.
i'm paralyzed with uncertainty.
i think we both need therapy separately and together.
No comments:
Post a Comment