in flux

made it through the holidays. they felt weird, but still good. just me and the kids. i wanted to travel to see my sister, but i'm stuck with the dogs. can't afford to board them, nobody who can help with them partly because they're not available & partly because 2 of the dogs I have don't listen to anyone but my soon to be ex. 

would've let him take the kids for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, but he didn't ask. so whatever. 

now it's child support. getting it formalized & enforceable. 

then, mediation. 

then, freedom. 

well, to a degree. i know that as long as he's interested in trying to have any kind of relationship with the kids that i'm stuck with him. 

if he does what he should do & gets therapy so he can get over his rage issues & have a reasonably positive relationship with the kids, then i'll be okay with it. i'd love to be able to just pick up & move & stonewall him out of our lives, but i know that'll never happen. 

i just want us to be able to be civil for the sake of the kids. i don't need a friendly relationship with him. i just need a non-adversarial one. 

i've had one person ask me about dating. the whole concept seems foreign & scary to me. i didn't really date as a teen/young adult because i wasn't brave or self-confident enough to ask guys out, and i wasn't the kind of gal who got asked out because i was straightlaced & i think guys knew they'd have to TALK to me rather than just make out or score. 

then i was so afraid of being alone that i probably rushed into getting married. i never even thought of cheating for 20 years. not even an overly-flirtatious friendship. 

i read somewhere that it takes half as long as a relationship lasts to "get over" someone.. but i think i started getting over him years ago. 

i want to start looking like i'm moving on so he doesn't get it in his mind that he'll be able to get me back.