happy birthday to me?

It’s my birthday in 2 days. My second birthday since essentially becoming single. My kids will be with their dad this weekend. 

I’m okay with most of this. 

I’m not okay with turning 43, being a single mom with 2 kids & feeling like I wasted the last 20 years on someone who never actually knew who I was or loved ME, that I spent decades learning about him & what he liked & wanted, but all he cared about was that I made him look successful & like a good member of the church & let him get things he wanted bc I had more earning power than he did. I hate that I spent so much time working on being a good wife & working hard to try to encourage him to see how he could achieve more for himself & didn’t realize that he never wanted to. 

He wanted a wife, he wanted kids, but he didn’t actually want to do the work. He wanted a house, he wanted nice cars, he wanted hunting vacations, but he didn’t want to pull long hours at a job or work more than one in order to actually GET them. 

When he said he thought he’d never get married, so he didn’t see the point of saving money to buy a house/nicer car/create a savings for himself, I should have run. If he didn’t see the point of taking care of himself into the future, why would he change now that he had a wife? Why would he change when he had a family?

The moment that he talked about how he had dated “a doctor” who paid for everything for him, I should have run. The moment he mentioned that he had dated a lingerie model, I should have run. The moment I realized he had a car that couldn’t drive from where he lived to the airport 2 hours away, I should have run. The moment I had to help pay off my wedding ring, I should have run. The moment that I had to be the one to apply for the loan for the new car for “us”  I should have run. 

So many red flags were there, but I was so intent on being in love. I wanted to be married so badly. 

And now I’m not married. I have kids I love, and I’m sure he loves them in his own way, but rather than respecting them as individuals, I feel like he sees them as a possession, as a way to make himself look good to others. Which I think is what I was. He loved me because he thought I’d always be compliant. That I didn’t mind working 40 hours a week, paying all the bills, doing all the housework & doing HIS hobbies every weekend. And that was before kids. 

I want to hope there’s more for me in the future than being stuck with him for another 16 years, but right now all I can focus on is now. I have to do more for my kids. I have to be stable for them. I can’t check out & I can’t do less. I have to be able to show them that they’re loved & I can provide the stability they need in their life, since I know their dad won’t do that for them.